Another day...I have to be strong.

Ya' know, it's really amazing how such little things can really set a person off. Last night and this morning He made little remarks that make me just want to scream.....it had already been a week of little things.

Last night he asked me if I was still planning on going to the racetrack the next night. I said "Yes" and he said "What about the girls?" I said "They are going with me." He then made a uh-huh sound that just reminded me of a dad. Not my dad...just a dad.

So, this morning, he asked me the same thing again....are you going to the track, what are you doing with the girls and then he added something...still in the dadesque manner from the night before and so many times before....he said..."So, you're not pawning them off on anybody are you?" I really wanted to spit nails. But I didn't. I kept cool and said simply, "No, they will be with me".

It's another day with the bright side being that I don't have to see him pretty much at all anymore today. I can't wait till the day that I don't have to see him if I choose not to. I have to be strong and maintain and not let my emotions take over my mouth. It's is tough and I do have to sometimes stop myself and think about others around me who are having a worse time of it then I am.....you are in my prayers Kendra and family. And also, I am so very fortunate to have someone to sound off to who really understands. I have said it before and just said it again......thank you.

AND on the up side of the day......I lost another .6 lbs this week...yeah me!!!!

Sleepless Nights

Okay, so I had my first sleepless night in a LONG time. As a matter of fact, I guess I am still having it. It is just after 4 in the morning. Not that big of a deal I guess since I get up at 4:45 anyway. Not sure why I can't go back to sleep, but know what woke me up. I woke up at one point and found Emily in the bed, but since it is a king size bed, I didn't even know she was here. Then around 3:30, Abby decided to come in. Haven"t been able to go back to sleep since she crawled in. Now, don't get me wrong, especially lately, I have really just wanted to be able to sit and hold my girls...protect them...let them know that I love them and that I don't want anything to hurt them. But, I can't.I know that whatever is gonna happen, is gonna happen. I can let them know that I love them and that is about it.

Ever since this whole thing started, Abby has started to act out toward me very angrily. She wants to yell and hit and I don't understand it because we don't yel and hit as far as she knows. We don't fight in front of them. "Everyone" tells me that kids have a way of knowing or sensing what is going on. I guess may be they do.

I just have so much in my head right now. Getting better at focusing on things. Couldn't all summer. Was in SUCH a limbo state that I didn't know what to do or where to go. Didn't know what to do first. Had no clue where to start. Felt VERY lost and alone. I have been very fortunate to have found someone who I can talk to about all this. He has been very supportive and enlightning. When you can find someone who is maybe just a few steps ahead of you but still very much in the same place you feel like you can talk to them and they REALLY do understand. You have others in your life that you can talk to but they may be too close to be able to be unbiased or sensible about the situation or have no real idea what you are going through.

Even though I am unable to sleep right now, I feel very lucky that...........to be continued....maybe.

Getting seperated sucks

Okay, so I am not tore all up inside about getting seperated....I am all pissed off that people have to be so freaking difficult. Today was not a good day for the chick getting seperated.....he started the morning off by getting up early and leaving the house before the girls got up. He was grumpy. Around 10:30 he called and left a message....the message was that he was going to call his sister and cancel her visit for weekend after next. She doesn't know about us seperating and he thinks if we told her that she wouldn't come down to visit. Well, I called him back to find out why he was cancelling and he said because I am acting all weird and he doesn't want to have to deal with it. He then said he didn't want to talk about it and goodbye. I said okay...talk to you later.

I had to see him at 12:30 to pickup Abby from him after my mid-day run and wasn't sure how he was going to act. He was very quiet and grumpy and didn't say much to me. Up until that point all I wanted to do was go home and crawl into my bed under my covers and curl up with my pillows and go to sleep. Maybe a slight touch of depression....I don't know.

This afternoon, when he got home, he came in the front door, spoke to the dog, and went right out the back door. He went in the garage for a bit and then had a beer and scooped dog poop. Came in for dinner and planted his rear on the couch. Fussed a little bit about the garden and how he thinks we didn't get anything out of it this year...whatever.

I noticed the camper light on so I am wondering if he is retiring to the camper this evening...I hope so. I am acting all weird because I want him out. I HATE feeling like I am in limbo. Atleast out of this house and in either the camper or the apartment he is building in the garage.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Sorry, it's been 7 days...

Sorry, it's been 7 days since I blogged. Things had been ok I guess until today. I don't know....I need to journal these things as evidence for when I need to back up what I am saying. So, here we go again...

He left this morning without much to say. Didn't here from him most of the day. At lunch, I went to pick up Abby from him and he got all pissy with me about the girls being with a babysitter. I was planning on going to the racetrack because a VERY old friend of mine who I haven't seen in a VERY long time is going to be singing there that night. So, I figured the girls could play with some of the bigger girls and enjoy themselves instead of hanging out with the grownups...which is what I am going to be doing. Well, he didn't like that idea. He didn't really say other than to say that we shouldn't push ourselves on other people.....I told him I was planning on paying them...what teenage girl doesn't like money to play with little kids? That led into a conversation regarding them spending the night with other people...he thinks it is wrong for them to always spend the night away. Thinks they are inviting themselves over...well he wasn't there when the mother and I had a conversation about it several times over the summer. He walked away from me.

Later, when he got home from work, he said he was tired, had a bad day and a headache and then proceeded to tell Abby that she shouldn't be dragging the blanket around on the floor. What does he think we have...dirt floors? He took the blanket from her and threw it behind the couch. It is always something.

He is a jerk and I really want him to hurry up and get out of the house. I need my peace...I am tired of being in limbo.

Two days in a Row

So, today is the second day in a row that I have blogged. Nothing happened today. I had a new guy at work try to pick me up with some line about my eyes. Had no issues today with HIM regarding the children OR anything else. It is 10:45 and Abby woke up a bit ago and I was able to get her back to sleep in her own bed. I am sleepy and fading quickly. I am feeling skinny today....that's a good thing. Can't remember if I have talked about that lately or not. My weight loss is currently up to 21 lbs. Going to a meeting Saturday morning, so we will see how I have done this week. I think I have done well. Anyway, good night all and sleep tight.